The Scariest Thing I Have Ever Seen

It was bound to happen sooner or later. A video so terrible that even I, with my well-worn armor of detached cynicism, found genuinely disturbing. A video that I can barely bring myself to watch again, because even though I know how it ends, I still want to scream “Noooooooo!” at my laptop. 

As heavy as it weighs on me, I do consider it my obligation to explain what is really happening in this video. This dog is massively, overwhelmingly uncomfortable with what is happening and her people are oblivious.

Look how still Dizzy's head is, and how much tension is in her front legs. She’s on a knife-edge right now. Look at how she twists her body away—she’s desperate to get out of this situation. Every fiber of her being is employed in expressing how bad she’s feeling, from her knitted brow to her submissive grin. 

Dizzy is going to bite someone’s face off, and it’s probably going to happen soon. The victim will have no idea why this happened, because it will be in the course of another session just like this one. Only this time some subtle thing will be different for Dizzy—a headache, a trapped nerve, adrenaline from a recent game of fetch, who knows what—and she’ll give up trying to communicate without violence. 

The Corner Table

Bonnie the rescue chihuahua was apparently nervous in her new home, and needed some canine reassurance:

Dog behaviorists were surprised to see this, because the standard suggestion is to keep dogs apart at mealtimes. This is especially important if the dogs don’t know each other well, because some dogs are protective about their dinner. It’s unlikely that a new addition to a family would seek the company of a strange dog whilst in a particularly vulnerable situation. 

What’s going on, then? I suspect it’s not loneliness so much as anxiety about the location of the food dish. Bonnie has been put in a corner where there’s only one exit route - past whoever is holding the camera - and asked to put herself in a vulnerable position. It’s hard to check for danger when you’re nose-deep in kibble, after all.  It might be that the chihuahua doesn’t feel safe looking down at her food in a small, inescapable corner. 

Of course, it’s not impossible that the presence of the other dog - even though they’re probably not securely bonded yet - is reassuring for Bonnie. From a behavioral standpoint, however, the simplest explanation is that the little chi is trying to optimize her dining experience. Nobody wants a table way in the back of the restaurant. 

Appliance Noncompliance

If you’re a little white fluffy dog, best believe you’re going to develop some type of relationship with your blow dryer. If you’re lucky, a trip to the groomers will leave you feeling like this:

But for some marshmallowdogs, the dryer is a noisy, scary thing. Take this guy, who is supposedly “protecting” a nearby infant from the rampaging appliance: 

There is nothing about this interaction that suggests the dog gives a fig about that baby. The little dog is clearly petrified of the dryer—we can see him cowering, trying to hide behind the adult's knee, and throwing out a whole bunch of stress signals—and he’s retreating to the blanket because he think he’ll be safe there. And he’s probably right; it’s unlikely the baby’s parents would subject the baby to the scary dryer, even though they haven’t noticed that’s exactly what they’re doing to their poor dog. 

Ironically, then, a more accurate interpretation of the video is, “dog hopes baby will protect him from dryer”. Or even, "dog's owners have a really mean way to train 'go to your mat'". Either way, don't expect this fluffy pupper to be winning the Medal of Honor anytime soon. 

The Bland Leading the Bland

This "unbelievable" video is supposed to show the goodness of a kitty's heart:

What’s the cat doing here? Its tail is up vertically, and it’s butting the dog with its shoulder, both of which are usually interpreted as friendly, social behaviors.

Does this look like the cat is trying to guide the dog, in an unbelievable show of understanding? Not so much. When the dog starts to veer towards the car, the cat doesn’t do anything.  If anything, kitty is being kind of annoying, insistently butting in between the dog and whoever is holding the camera. If there’s anything unbelievable about the video, it’s that the little dog doesn’t seem to mind! 

In short, what’s happening in the video is: nothing. It’s just a local cat trying to say hi to a dog, who is following its owner and not really paying kitty any attention. Meh.

Reading Into Things

The Dodo, surely our favorite source of questionable material, picked up on this video from the Humane Society of Missouri recently, about a creative new program that's supposedly benefiting kids and dogs alike: 

It’s really great to see shelters trying to make themselves into welcoming, educational places for kids–let me get that straight first of all. However,  this video isn’t showing many dogs that look like they’re getting much out of the experience. I'll go through chronologically:

Two of the dogs in the second shot are clearly barking at the window; very definitely no relaxation for those guys. 

The tan and white bully type, in the front between 0:21 and 0:29 almost seems like it’s adorably trying to follow along with the words, but look how still he is.  The dog is staring, with a half-bowed head and tense front legs—all in all, probably not a picture of relaxation. 

The black and white one is exhibiting classic signs of stress - we can see panting, pacing around the room, looking around, and yawning. Again, the behavior suggests a dog who is not having a chill time of things.

And the last dog, with the cone—fast asleep, so who knows? Dogs sleep when they’re recovering, when they’re relaxed, and also when they’re highly stressed. It’s impossible to tell which of those is happening, so again, this isn’t showing us much.

Getting kids involved in learning about dogs is a great thing, but placing them outside their habitats and having them make incomprehensible noises without interacting with the dogs seems like it’s more likely to be a stressful experience than a calming one. 

Husky Backpack

This is probably the weirdest video I’ve come across in a while. It’s supposed to be a husky that prefers piggyback rides to regular walking:

There are several confusing things about this video —not least of which, whoever heard of a husky that doesn’t want to walk? Aren’t they supposed to be bred to go go go?

Well, in theory any dog can be a lazy, demanding jerk, so let’s leave that to one side. We actually have a much bigger problem with this video, namely, that it’s not all the same video. It’s two completely separate events stuck together. The first “scene”, by a busy road, shows the husky jumping about on its leash, which is pretty normal for an excitable dog. In the second, at what looks like a creek bed, the dog’s owner picks him up and carries him past another dog. Somehow, the man has managed to be in a completely different location, in a completely different pair of trousers, between 0:11 and 0:12. 

My suspicion, with no real evidence, is that the husky is difficult to handle around other dogs—we can see him staring at the black dog walking past—which is why its owner has gotten into the habit of hoisting it onto his back. Whether the husky enjoys it or not, we’ll never know. 

Sneaky Weenie

Here’s a dachshund that’s supposedly demonstrating a flair for the theatrical - lulling her friend into a false sense of security by pretending to be asleep until she has a chance to share a toy.

MI6 should probably hold off sending their recruiter, however, because this dog is not a future secret agent. She’s actually giving us a pretty great demonstration of how to respond to something called Resource Holding Potential.

The big dog is having a great time with the toy, but the little dog wants it. However, it’s pretty clear that she’s not going to get it by asking nicely - she tries, but the big dog moves to cover the toy with her body, and gives her a bit of side-eye into the bargain. These are ways to tell the dachshund to back off. The dachshund responds by yawning, which is a calming signal. The conversation is going like this:

“Toy! Yay, I’m biting it! Wheeeee!”

“Can has?”

“No. Mine.”

“But what if it was….maybe mine instead?”

“Nope. Not happening. My toy.”

“Okay, okay. Chill. I’m going over here. Enjoy your stupid toy”

When it seems like the big dog might be done with the toy, the dachshund gets right back in there - but alas, she’s jumped the gun! Once again, the big dog makes it clear that she’s pretty invested in keeping it all to herself, and once again the dachshund makes the smart choice. 

The little dog might not be a candidate for covert ops, but she’s definitely got great social skills!